1. Intelligence is like underwear: it is important to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
2. Scientists say that the universe is built with protons, neutrons, and electrons. They forget to mention the morons.
3. I was told that I looked pretty yesterday, and I must say that it felt great. Of course, the entire sentence was, “You are pretty annoying,” but I prefer to concentrate on the good.
4. The elevator to success has several out-of-order signs on it; take the stairs instead one step at a time.
5. You have two parts to your brain, the “right” as well as the “left.” In the left one, nothing is right; in the right side of it, nothing is left.
6. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
7. I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.
8. I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.
9. Common sense is not so common.
10. Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.
11. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
12. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.

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